Intimacy of a Song

As I was making breakfast this morning I was singing an old, favorite Elton John song (Daniel) and realized it would be nicer to hear him sing it than me — especially since I just repeat the chorus.

So, I opened the Spotify app on my laptop and logged in.  Instead of looking for EJ, I am distracted by the “Friend Activity” section and suddenly my inner voyeur is turned on.  I decide to peek through the window of my friends’ musical choice from 11 hours ago…hmmm, what time was it there [where she lives] when she listened to this song…ok, it was about midnight.  I click on the song and now I’m on sensory overload as I close my eyes and imagine myself in her shoes, listening to the sexy, slow but pulsing vibes wondering where she was when she was listening.  Was she in her car, in her apartment or in someone else’s home?  Was she chilling out, drinking, dancing, coming down from a long day and taking off her make-up before bed or was she having the kind of sex that you see in a beautifully directed film, smoky light and everything is perfect…no laughing or quick movements, only slow motion bodies (not real but a good fantasy).

Hmmm…I wonder what she’d think of me stepping into her 4:35 second song moment?  Would she feel a little exploited, indifferent or excited?  She knows me, she wouldn’t be surprised but if I told her would she change her behavior and play songs to make me curious in the future?  Would I even notice?

What should I play next and who is listening?

DANCON March

November 3, 2002

DANCON March

Well, we did it!  All nine of us finished and we’re all blistered and sore.  Whew.  My time was 6 hours and 38 minutes.  Stephanie and I stuck together the whole time…thank goodness because it would have been tempting to quit.

It was 30km and the time limit was 8 hours.

I had everyone sign my journal and write their time—the times ranged from 5:50 to our 6:38…I’m sure the Army guys and the Danes had much more impressive times.

In the coming days I would lose 3 toenails (gross) but it was worth it.  What a gorgeous country this is and I was lucky to get to see it and meet the kids along the way.  My one regret was not loading my pack with goodies for the kids.  We had no idea how many would be out and that they would be hoping for candy from us.  Next time?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dancon_March

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50 Caliber Termites

November 2, 2002

The DANCON March is tomorrow—I hope I do ok.  I’m a little nervous since it’s 18.5 miles in the hills surrounding Tuzla Air Base.  We must wear uniforms (combat boots don’t quite breathe like tennis shoes) and carry a 20lb pack.

I received 3 boxes from home today!  Yay!  I’ve been “nesting” all night — so good to have sights, smells and touches from home.

Went off-base with Angel (OSI guy) and Allison (his male interpreter) for lunch and “orientation” today.  It was great — very interesting and a little sad.  The town of Tuzla isn’t much but more progressive than I expected.  Lots of coffee drinking, smoking Europeans.  Cute, young girls walking around anxious to meet boys; some on rollerblades, some with pink or orange hair—typical stuff you would see anywhere.

The little ones were so adorable—no different than American kids.  There were some gypsy’s and beggars and old people who were just wandering or begging.  Lots of rebuilding going on but Allison said not much has been done in the 21/2 years he’s been here.   Angel said, “look at all those buildings—they all have termites, BIG ONES!”  Well, he was comically referring to the .50 caliber bullet holes in the buildings.  The war is very visible here.

rifle_cartridge_comparison

I must get some sleep now.  I’m not tired but my alarm goes off at 0400 for the March.  Yikes!

k

Happy thought:  I got a really nice email from Alyson—the girl who sent the Christmas cards, in response to my thank you email to her.  It was so sweet and she appreciated my thank you note.

Fast forward:  I have no recollection of this girl (Alyson) or those cards but I continue to be touched by the random acts of kindness from strangers.

What Would Joan Do?

joan-arc-sacrifice

October 30, 2002

Well, I talked to Shane again today and once again hung up the phone feeling awful.  I’m sensing his frustrations getting worse and his depression getting stronger.  He’s almost ready to throw in the towel with Zoe-dog.  She’s driving him crazy, she’s keeping him prisoner and getting the best of him.  She’s bringing him anything but comfort and joy, as I hoped.  He’s desperate to satisfy her and is at the point where he can responsibly do no more.  I think it was perhaps a mistake getting her—but she’s ours now.  The whole scenario is making Shane re-think having children…sounds dramatic but it’s true.  Unless God intervenes, the only way we’ll have a planned child is if I can be home to tend to it.  Although I haven’t fully decided if I want children, this thought still saddens and worries me a bit.  First and foremost, I can’t bare it when Shane is so upset.  I feel physically ill at the thought of him being unhappy.  I’m not sure what to do about it…listen, show him love through calls and letters?  I guess that’s all I can do now.

Time to sleep.  I’ll call him again in the morning.

Good things to reflect on today:

  • I went to the chapel to sign up for the trip to Medjugorie, Croatia.  While I was there, I saw a basket with charms — St. Michael and St. Joan of Arc (my patron saint) so I took one of St. Joan and am now wearing it.  Smile.
  • Received my box of organic food—I can eat cold cereal now, yay!  The crap in the DFAC is all sugar.
  • Got an email from Dana, she’s in Kosovo until 31 Jan and is doing well.

k

Cards, Candy and Lotions OH MY!

October 28, 2002

What a great day for me!  I feel so fortunate today because I’ve been blessed with so many gifts.

  1. Received 2 beautiful emails from Shane to start my day.  He told me that our twin, 4 year old Russian neighbors told him that they say a prayer for me every morning, wow.
  2. Received adorable letter from Darian.  She drew a princess and colored her and it said, “To Ms. Kris I love you.  Love Darian”  awwwww
  3. Stephanie told me she got to talk to her boyfriend (Jake) and she told him how much she likes hanging out with me.  (in spite of me)  I told her I felt the same—she’s a sweetie.
  4. Received 3 boxes today!!
    1. My in-laws sent a BIG popcorn tin with cookies and candy.
    2. Mom sent a bag of Halloween candy and cute pumpkin napkins.
    3. Pam G. sent tons of fun dollar store stuff and some yummy Bath and Body Works lotions!  She wrapped everything individually so it was fun opening it all.  Wow.

k

Fast Forward:  In the 6+ months I was in Bosnia, I received more mail and care packages than anyone—ever.  The outpouring of love and support was overwhelming.  One of the best things about deploying is the opportunity to see all of your true friendships shine.  Amazing.  Also, Stephanie and Jake ended up getting married and living happily ever after…

Gag Me With a Spoon

October 20, 2002

Another Sunday night and many, many, many more to got.  It’s been over 3 weeks since I left Alaska and the mindscrew has begun. Typical me—I start over analyzing phone calls and start turning everything into a pity party.  I told him that I didn’t feel like anyone missed me…what I really meant was that I didn’t think “he” missed me.  He’s so self-sufficient that he doesn’t need me and I know he loves me and enjoys my company but he doesn’t get lonely like I do.  Maybe I should re-read his card.

I read the card and feel like an idiot.  “I feel luckier than ever to share my life with such a wonderful wife and more aware than ever of what true friendship means.”

He loves me, despite my stupid mindscrew episodes—how lucky am I?

ks

Fast Forward:  I want to gag and bitch slap my former self.  Gross.

A Tangled Web

October 16, 2002

Weird dreams again last night.  Since I’ve been here I’ve had dreams about trying to chase a man down and shoot him but I kept fumbling around with my magazine and barely got it loaded in time to shoot him.  I finally put the gun to his head and then woke up.  Last night I dreamt that I put my hair in rollers and when it was time to take them out, my hair was burnt to the roller and stuck to them.  I wasn’t upset though—that was the funny part.  I just sat there saying, well, I guess I’ll have short hair now.  Strange.

Well, my predecessor, Michelle, got on the freedom bird and flew out of here today.  She earned it after 6 months.  That will be a cherished moment knowing on my way home to my yummy hubby.

Well, my dad always told me to think before I speak and never let my “mouth overload your butt.”  Good advice—I wish I would have remembered that this week!  I commented twice about how cultish and baby-making the Mormon’s are around and to Stephanie (a girl who is from my Alaska unit deployed here at the same time).  Finally, today, I said, “you’re not Mormon are you?” (please say no, please say no…I thought)…but she responded, “Yes, but not practicing.  My parents are, I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”  Well, I was ashamed of myself and deserved to be made uncomfortable.  The only reason the subject ever came up was because she said her mother’s church had sent her 30 copies of the Book of Mormon in Russian.  (We worked with Russians and Steph spoke Russian.) Well, I’m obviously a horrible intel officer not to but those indicators together and immediately deduce that she’s obviously Mormon or at LEAST her mom is!  IDIOT!  But, the lesson I’m learning here is what I should have learned and applied from Tuesday’s reading about slander.  “The tongue, being in a wet place, is apt to slip.”

“Today let only thoughts that bless

Dwell in my heart and mind;

Silence my lips and tongue to all

That wounds or is unkind”

-white

Well, I’ve always admitted that it takes a hard lesson for me to learn so hopefully, this was mine.

k

Fast Forward:  I’ve come to not only accept, embrace and love humanities differences but now I am wiser and teach my daughter kindness and acceptance.  I also teach her that although we don’t look the same, talk the same or pray the same—we are all of the same creator and should all be treated with dignity and respect.  My journey is different from hers but it is mine…and hers is hers.  Love is love is love is love.michellestephme

Michelle, Stephanie, and me playing Charlie’s Angels before Michelle flew away